This was written about two years ago. It helped me cope through my relationship of nearly 1 year and 6 months.
To give you the overall story, I lost myself in this guy. I gave him everything I was and everything I thought I could be for him. We were a long distance relationship from the start. (Don’t worry, I knew him beforehand.) That meant, the only time I could talk to him was text or phone. I cancelled any possible plans I could with the friends I had close to me, so I could be available when he needed me. (He never really needed me.) And after about six months into our relationship, we didn’t have much to talk about, unless it was about what happened in HIS life that day, because he was my life. Mine was gone by that point.
A year goes by and he was at a church retreat for 5 days. The whole time he was away I couldn’t wait for him to get back so that I could hear his voice again. Three days after he was getting back, I was going with my family on a trip to see family in his area. I extended the family trip for myself for 3 extra days in order to see him for his birthday.
The day he gets back, three days before we leave, he calls me and tells me he wants to break up. I was absolutely heartbroken. Nothing could have been worse in that moment.
I still saw him for his birthday. I still acted as though I was his girlfriend, out of spite and to make him see that he can’t live without me, either. And guess what, it turns out that he could, and was planning on it.
A month later, when I was back home, he calls me up and lets me know that he asked another girl to be his girlfriend. (To be clear, she’s the girl he basically left for me originally.) I was heartbroken all over again.
Now, two+ years later, we’re not friends. At this point, I don’t believe it’s possible to go back to a friendship we never really had in the first place. Rereading what I wrote, I want to change some things. I want to rephrase some of what I said, and elaborate on others. But taking a minute to think about changing what I wrote two years ago, wouldn’t feel right to post.
One thing I do want to point out: The greatest man in my life is Jesus. My relationship with him is the most important one I can have in my life. The guy in this story led me to church, but he did not lead me to Christ. He showed me the door, but I opened it myself. I, personally, went after what was inside.
This is me. This is who I was. Today, I’m a different person. A stronger person, who is much happier with my life and those in it. This story was my healing process. I find so much comfort being able to write, analyze and cope with words on paper and on a computer screen. My own feelings laid out for all to see, in a poetic format.
The main reason why I’m posting this is because I’m hoping someone can relate to my story. The way it ended wasn’t the greatest. The way I isolated myself wasn’t healthy. I’m hoping to save someone else from the relationship I was in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this story.
“It Was Magic”
It was a love every teenager longs for in their lives. They go searching everywhere for it; for that feeling. The feeling you have when you’re nervous and terrified but wouldn’t want it any other way. When you don’t know any other time when you had that many butterflies in your stomach. The moments when you lose count of how many times your stomach has dropped down to your toes; when your knees go weak, your heart flutters, and you couldn’t be happier. It was the love I was lucky enough to experience, just not for very long.
I felt as if my heart had been torn from my chest. It had been thrown on the ground, stomped on many times, and then cut into tiny little pieces. It had been crushed, broken, burned and buried. I didn’t know how deep sorrow could be; how it could truly feel. I didn’t know how many times and how long one person could cry over just one, simple thing. How broken a soul could be. How empty a body could feel; but still alive, with a heartbeat.
A year and five months, right down to the day. It didn’t last for one, but two summers. We were friends for a year before him and I found romance. The relationship was off and on because he couldn’t commit. He didn’t want to commit to a long distance relationship.
We spoke of the past, the future, and everything in between. I couldn’t get enough of his stories, his voice. The way he could smile at me would make my heart simply melt. He gave me as many butterflies as my stomach could possibly fit. I craved talking to him. I couldn’t get enough of him. He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I became a better person because he came into my life.
We didn’t see each other very often, but when we did it was like magic. He would take my breath away, along with all of my worried and troubled thoughts. I didn’t have a care in the world when he was around, because nothing else mattered but him and me. Nothing could have torn us apart when we were together. We had something incredible; something worth fighting for; something to believe in.
I was able to be myself around him. I didn’t have to worry about what I said and if it sounded stupid. I didn’t feel awkward and rethink everything I did. I knew that he understood me heart and soul, and I understood him just the same. I could finish his sentences and he could finish mine. We could just stare into each other’s eyes and know exactly what we were thinking. We trusted each other more than I thought anyone could ever be trusted. He knew absolutely everything about me and I knew everything about him. We had this amazing connection with each other, and we still do.
He made me believe in faith. I always thought that you can’t believe what you can’t see. You needed proof of something in order to know it’s true. After I met him, I realized that it doesn’t matter if you can’t see it. Faith is everywhere; all you have to do is believe in it. If something is going to work out, it will. If you’re going to be with one person for the rest of your life, you will. Everything will be the way it’s supposed to be in the end. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. If it’s a day, a week, a month, a year, or maybe a lifetime. It doesn’t matter how long, because it will happen.
When he broke up with me he took everything with him. My strength, courage, confidence, trust, everything but my faith. My faith seemed to be all I had left. The only thing that was truly my own; that no one could ever take away from me, even if they tried.
I never understood that someone could have this power over me, especially him. I never knew I could have all of these endless nights crying myself to sleep. Or have so many dreams that were all so real, yet terrifying at the same time. I used to wake up as if I just ran a marathon. I don’t know how to calm myself down.. He used to be the one to calm me down…
Within the time we got closer and got to know each other more, I grew further and further apart from my other friends. All of my time was sucked into him, because at the time, he was all that mattered to me. He was all I thought about and almost all that I cared about.
If I could turn back time, I would spend it listening and speaking to my friends. My friends I would die for, any day of my life. I know some forgive me and understand because they have done the same; but I also know that some have given up on the thought of us becoming close again.
It’s hard to move on; let myself move on. Part of me is hoping he’ll come back to me, but I know in my heart that he won’t. I feel that if I give up and move on to other people in my life, surround myself with more than just him, it’s almost like I’m closing the door for good; moving on for good; forgetting the thought of us together for good.
The simple thought of him being with other girls broke my heart all over again. All he had to do was talk about them and my heart would beat at least twenty times faster. Each beat seemed to overlap the other. Immediately, I would start to tremble and shake, while losing my breath, all at the same time.
He moved on so quickly. Only a month later, he found a new love interest. Another girl to give him the feelings I used to give him; for him to give her the feelings he used to give me. The reasons why he broke up with me didn’t make sense anymore. I then believed he lied and there was something he wasn’t sharing with me. My mind came up with so many reasons; so many “what ifs”; so many different thoughts that made moving on a lot more difficult.
I wish I could change a lot of things. How I reacted while I was around him, certain things we talked about, things we fought about. But everything, the good times with the bad, are mixed all in one in my heart. I wouldn’t have it any other way because I will forever treasure every single second I was able to communicate with him; every time he made me smile or laugh; all of our good times.
I was never his first priority, as he became mine. I was always second or third best in his life, and now I know that I am much further down the list. I know now not to pay attention to the list; but sometimes it’s tough when you’re unable to feel appreciated at all.
Whoever I explained my situation to, I was told that I needed to stop talking to him in order to get over it; in order to get over him. After about the tenth person advising me of that, I realized that I was done being upset all the time, and crying myself to sleep every night. I was done complaining constantly about him to anyone who would listen. But at the same time, I couldn’t stop myself, because talking to him still gave me hope that maybe one day he will change his mind and come back to me.
I felt that if I was still there for him, he would realize how amazing we are together. Then, I realized, that if I never left his side, he would think that I would never leave. He would never have the fear of me not being there when he needed me, or when he just wanted somebody to talk to.
I always wanted to fix everything that went wrong in my life. If I couldn’t fix it, it seemed like the end of the world. As if I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t solve a problem. A problem that seemed simple at the time.
Thinking of everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve put each other through; it gives me the worst feeling in my stomach to think how fast he threw it away. The thought of what I could have done and what I could have changed. Anything I could have changed about myself or anyone around me; just to save myself from going through this pain. I sometimes stayed up with my mind racing of all the possibilities where it all went wrong. I never came up with an answer. The thoughts of me not being able to fix it haunted me at night.
Slowly, I started moving him out of my life, piece by piece. I was no longer going to make the effort to speak to him, unless he did first. I had to get used to the idea that he wouldn’t be my rock anymore; he wouldn’t be the person that I turn to when I’m having tough day. He wouldn’t be the person I can count on. After I was able to cope with those thoughts, then I could finally have a friendship with him. An actual friendship that meant something to the both of us.
I don’t know what I would ever do without him in my life. I’m heartbroken beyond repair, but I would rather see him happy than to be with me; rather than continuing with something he doesn’t quite believe in anymore. Even if it’s the only thing keeping me going through each and every day.
He always knew how to comfort me. He could always make me laugh, no matter what mood I was in. Whenever I had a problem, he would know how to cheer me up; how to make me smile when I felt I could never smile again. He would tell me stories to help me sleep better at night. Sometimes I felt as if I were the only person he cared for. His true love; that with all of his heart, just wanted to please.